Bad Decisions Volume #1

We are getting a new burrito place in my office building.  At first, I was excited, thinking Chipotle or Qdoba.  Hell, I would even take a Moe's.  My excitement dwindled quickly though, as I discovered the new spot was called "Fast Burrito."  Not exactly a name that shows owners taking pride in delivering culinary delights.  I was very confused by this development, as my office is nowhere near a bar and the building is not open at 2 am.  I am not sure this place is going to make it without the late night market.  I think some beverages have to be consumed for a place like Fast Burrito to sound enticing. 

This got me thinking about the misguided thoughts of those who judge drinking.  Don't they consider the harm to the economy if we stopped?  There is a whole industry that can only survive if people are making bad decisions.  Think of the thousands of jobs being held by the late night garbage food market, such as the hot dog stand vendors that wait outside bars.  What about the transportation industry, such as the cab drivers that can actually make money by fleecing someone too drunk to know how far out of the way they went (haven't you had to pay $10 to go to the next bar one block away).  What about that fine gentleman walking around trying to sell roses?  Do you think anybody sober would make the decision to buy one of those?

I say we need drinks.  Not only for our souls, but also to ensure the survival of capitalism.  Bad decisions lead to spending more money.  Which leads to more drinking because of your bad decisions.  Which leads to more spending money.  Obama should take note.  Buy people free drinks to get the economy kick-started.  It is what America is all about.  Well, that and Jersey Shore.

Effective Endings

As a society, we hold on to conversations way too long.  No one really knows how to end one.  Think about it.  When was the last time you were involved in a short conversation/twitter war/email exchange?  Chances are that during your last discussion a simple introduction was made between you and your co-worker/Facebook friend/girl you are trying to have intercourse with that began with "Hello, how are you doing?"  Either this or one of the other questions that are deemed socially acceptable, but you really don't care about the answer.  Like, "How's the weather?" or "what are you in for?"  You are an asshole for asking this question, though, as the person must now reciprocate with a brief answer, but also return serve with "and how are you?"  Now this conversation has already gone on too long for both of you, especially if it is a girl you are trying to have intercourse with, as the more you talk, the more your chances go down (and not in the dirty way you are thinking you pervert).  This is undisputed scientific fact.  The more a guy talks, the less attractive he becomes.  Anyway, once the "and how are you?" comes out to return serve, you will inevitably panic and scramble to find some way to throw the conversation back with another question like "What are you doing this weekend?"  Hopefully the intercourse girl doesn't respond with something involving another guy.  The other person in the conversation then has the same panic, and a volley of questions continues, possibly indefinitely.  This is how ridiculously long email exchanges that started with the simple subject of "Movie this Weekend" take over a whole day.

What is the whole point of this post, then?  If you are reading it, you probably have thought that such email exchanges are shorter than this.  Ironic, I know.  Well, the point is that I have developed some "aces" that will not result in a returned volley and end the conversation.  For example, "Do you think vampires were really worried about AIDS during the height of the epidemic?"  Or, "Do you think priests ever get the munchies at night and snack on the crackers, you know the not yet Jesusfied ones?"  Efficiency is saved, you can thank me later.  Oh, and intercourse girl, what ARE you doing this weekend?  I actually do want a response to that one.