Gather around children and let me tell you about that wonderful time of year when leaders are chosen to guide America through the next years of stalemate, at least when said leaders aren't campaigning for their next seat. That's right, it is election time!
These elections decisions are not to be taken lightly, that is why you children can't vote until you are 18 and have had a chance to let cynicism and irrational ties to parties take over your life. Nor should they be based on superficial categories like merit, values, or stances on issues.
Instead, we should apparently be basing our decisions on the more important question of who has the least shitty campaign ads. Ah, the political campaign ads. Through several weeks, I have yet to see one ad that shows what a candidate stands for or what he or she plans to do. Maybe that is because "Nothing" doesn't look good in large print on screen with the condescending voice in the commercials.
However, I can tell you exactly what the opposing party wants the public to think about certain individuals. And I have to believe them right? They use the condescending voice? Who can question the condescending voice?
Who is stupid enough to believe this crap and base a decision upon it? Crap, that would be us. Clearly, marketers have done studies to see what is most effective and this shit wins. I am embarrassed for all of us. The aliens who are about to take over our planet are laughing their three asses off.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
I am Australia
I always loved playing Risk as a younger kid, and my mom liked that we played it too as it was a board game that would occupy both myself and my brothers for many hours at a time. Well that is until the real fights started over whether the dice counted as a 6 because it rolled off the table and was locked in a somewhat hybrid position. If you don't know what I am talking about, you may not really have had a childhood, and for that I apologize. These fights were defining moments in a child's life. Either way, eventually the fights subsided, the Risk board was put away to collect dust, and I didn't think about the game for years, until now.
My wife and I just had our first child. I have been trying to figure out fatherhood, which is not the easy task it may seem to be, and the best thing I can relate being a father to in the newborn phase is in terms of Risk. Put another way, I am Australia.
If you haven't ever played Risk, Australia is the smallest continent to control, with only four miniscule areas to hold. You won't be able to dominate the world from Australia, but this continent is the easiest to keep control of as it only has one access point. One way in, one way out. It is the final safe haven, the lockbox if you will, where you can hole yourself up to maintain a presence and fight for relevance. To keep Australia, you just put one guy on the other three locations, and then just load everyone else you have up on that one entry point to try to keep yourself alive.
How does this relate to fatherhood? If you have to ask, you haven't had a child. When that kid comes along, the kid manages to come with all sorts of stuff. Rocking equipment for the living room, it's own nursery, it's own concoction of bathtime stuff to rival its mother's, more toys throughout the house, and that is just the tangible items. Intangibles include the monopolizing of attention, and whatever is left goes to the mother. As a father, you just have to realize you are an endangered item at this time. You are at best third place in a two horse race. It is just survive and advance. So you lock yourself in, find a cave, load up on your entry point and find a way to survive. You are Australia. Don't worry, though, eventually I hear you can move and try to retake some of the rest of the house, but I wouldn't get my hopes up too much. Oh, and drinking helps.
My wife and I just had our first child. I have been trying to figure out fatherhood, which is not the easy task it may seem to be, and the best thing I can relate being a father to in the newborn phase is in terms of Risk. Put another way, I am Australia.
If you haven't ever played Risk, Australia is the smallest continent to control, with only four miniscule areas to hold. You won't be able to dominate the world from Australia, but this continent is the easiest to keep control of as it only has one access point. One way in, one way out. It is the final safe haven, the lockbox if you will, where you can hole yourself up to maintain a presence and fight for relevance. To keep Australia, you just put one guy on the other three locations, and then just load everyone else you have up on that one entry point to try to keep yourself alive.
How does this relate to fatherhood? If you have to ask, you haven't had a child. When that kid comes along, the kid manages to come with all sorts of stuff. Rocking equipment for the living room, it's own nursery, it's own concoction of bathtime stuff to rival its mother's, more toys throughout the house, and that is just the tangible items. Intangibles include the monopolizing of attention, and whatever is left goes to the mother. As a father, you just have to realize you are an endangered item at this time. You are at best third place in a two horse race. It is just survive and advance. So you lock yourself in, find a cave, load up on your entry point and find a way to survive. You are Australia. Don't worry, though, eventually I hear you can move and try to retake some of the rest of the house, but I wouldn't get my hopes up too much. Oh, and drinking helps.
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