In Case You Were Feeling Smart

I had been feeling good about myself this week.  Things had been going well at work, I felt like things had been going well at home, really things were great.  So, when my wife and I went out to dinner over the weekend, I couldn't help myself.  Even though I saw two others move along the assembly line of "automatic" faucets in the men's washroom without successfully being able to activate the stream, I felt I had the magic combination of hand movement and distance from sensor required to appease the water gods.  Apparently, humility is a third requirement to get these deities to release their sweet cleansing nectar.  It was as if I had forgotten an important life lesson.  At the end of the day, humility served a vicious blow to pride.

This particular restroom was fancy.  It had three sinks.  When faced with such a scenario, you always want to start with the sink the farthest from the door.  This shows the sink gods that you are not so overly confident in your rain dance that you assume you will get the sensor distance / motion correct in the first try.  It also gives you the most tries to get the correct combination to the secret code.  Feeling good this week, I started in the middle, which was the first mistake. 

It is bathroom custom to try a few combinations to get the water to flow, then assume the sink will not work and shuffle step to your right to the next sink.  By the time you get to the last sink, desperation starts to seep in.  At that moment it is not necessarily all about being sanitary, but there is an element of pride at stake.  It is you against the machine.  How could you not have figured out the proper combination to unlock the stream?  You begin to wonder if this is your own personal da Vinci's code.  This can be especially rough if there are witnesses to your unsuccessful movements along the line of sinks.  Increasingly embarrassing if you were unsuccessful at one particular location while another follows you with victory.  At that moment, if they are overly jubilant, whether in reality or in your mind, it is acceptable to wish for an inadvertent splash to the front of their pants that will not dry quickly.

Back to the scene at hand, I was thoroughly defeated by all of the sinks I had attempted.  It just dawned on me that I hadn't started with the correct sink.  Why was I overconfident?  I had tried every conceivable combination of moves to get the sensors to work, and was thoroughly convinced that I had done something to deeply offend the gods of water.  I was close to doing the unthinkable, walking out hands unwashed, when a kind old gentleman came in to save me.  His saving grace, pointing out to me that there was a subtle push down button that operated the water.  I really should cut back on the drinks.

This is How It All Starts

Efficiency is close to deity status at the workplace.  You must find creative ways to multitask to save precious seconds, unless fantasy football discussions are at hand.  Efficiency can get dangerous if you carry it too far, though, as I discovered today.

I haven't given into the 5 hour energy boost craze, so I still fight "that 2:30 feeling" with a flood of caffeine.  What they don't tell you in the commercials is that it isn't necessarily the caffeine that keeps you awake but the frequent parade to and from the restroom.  Somewhat anti-efficiency, I know.  During one of my laps this afternoon, which for entertainment value were being timed, I found myself getting a little too ahead of myself .  As I strolled in to the men's room I decided to start unbuckling my belt and unbuttoning my pants.  Two things at once, multi-tasking.  Don't worry, the multi-tasking did not start until the men's room door was shut. 

As I turned the corner toward the two wall units, I almost ran into my boss, pants unzipped.  There isn't much you can say at the moment you almost run into your boss at a urinal with your pants undone.  Small talk like "How's it hanging" really isn't appropriate.  I am not sure what level of preparation for a urinal is acceptable, but I had clearly crossed the line in this situation.  Thankfully, my boss was on his Bluetooth, so one bathroom violation voided the other and I escaped relatively unscathed.  I hope he was on mute. 

This situation did lead me to one fearful thought.  I am afraid this scenario is the slippery slope that begins the development of "that guy" who lets it all hang out at the gym.  You know him as the one who air dries everything while telling you a miserable story about his dog or something exceedingly boring while keeping you uncomfortable as you try to not look at his junk.  Please just throw me a towel if today leads me down that path.