The Casue of Wedding Stress

I went to approximately my 214th wedding over the past five years yesterday.  So I believe I qualify as an expert on the matter.  One thing I have noticed is that no matter how big the wedding or the location, there is one common thread:  stressed out brides.  I think I have recentlyidentified the reason for the stress as well.  Clearly it is the judgment from other former or soon-to-be brides.  Every single detail of the wedding and reception will be scrutinized and discussed over your selection of chicken or beef.  And the bride knows this, because she also took part in this cycle.

My most recent reception table consisted of four couples who were all married at some point between one and five years ago. So we had a broad range of perspectives. Not necessarily interesting, but a broad range.  Every time something happened with the wedding, there were four distinct stories that all started with "At my wedding...."  Each of these stories had two elements 1) an embellished version of what actually happened and 2) a distinct separation identifying the prior wedding as superior to the current.

There were also four separate sets of males nodding and smiling with each story, which is also known as the marriage defense mechanism.  All four of the guys were secretly planning their escape route to at least the bar, or maybe that was just me. 

In the end, we all were at the same place, which was the open bar.  The bride was drunk and didn't care as much anymore.  She survived, and now gets to just be the judgmental and not the judged.  The chocolate bar was a nice touch that can be used in her future "At my wedding" stories.

Bad Decisions Volume #1

We are getting a new burrito place in my office building.  At first, I was excited, thinking Chipotle or Qdoba.  Hell, I would even take a Moe's.  My excitement dwindled quickly though, as I discovered the new spot was called "Fast Burrito."  Not exactly a name that shows owners taking pride in delivering culinary delights.  I was very confused by this development, as my office is nowhere near a bar and the building is not open at 2 am.  I am not sure this place is going to make it without the late night market.  I think some beverages have to be consumed for a place like Fast Burrito to sound enticing. 

This got me thinking about the misguided thoughts of those who judge drinking.  Don't they consider the harm to the economy if we stopped?  There is a whole industry that can only survive if people are making bad decisions.  Think of the thousands of jobs being held by the late night garbage food market, such as the hot dog stand vendors that wait outside bars.  What about the transportation industry, such as the cab drivers that can actually make money by fleecing someone too drunk to know how far out of the way they went (haven't you had to pay $10 to go to the next bar one block away).  What about that fine gentleman walking around trying to sell roses?  Do you think anybody sober would make the decision to buy one of those?

I say we need drinks.  Not only for our souls, but also to ensure the survival of capitalism.  Bad decisions lead to spending more money.  Which leads to more drinking because of your bad decisions.  Which leads to more spending money.  Obama should take note.  Buy people free drinks to get the economy kick-started.  It is what America is all about.  Well, that and Jersey Shore.

Effective Endings

As a society, we hold on to conversations way too long.  No one really knows how to end one.  Think about it.  When was the last time you were involved in a short conversation/twitter war/email exchange?  Chances are that during your last discussion a simple introduction was made between you and your co-worker/Facebook friend/girl you are trying to have intercourse with that began with "Hello, how are you doing?"  Either this or one of the other questions that are deemed socially acceptable, but you really don't care about the answer.  Like, "How's the weather?" or "what are you in for?"  You are an asshole for asking this question, though, as the person must now reciprocate with a brief answer, but also return serve with "and how are you?"  Now this conversation has already gone on too long for both of you, especially if it is a girl you are trying to have intercourse with, as the more you talk, the more your chances go down (and not in the dirty way you are thinking you pervert).  This is undisputed scientific fact.  The more a guy talks, the less attractive he becomes.  Anyway, once the "and how are you?" comes out to return serve, you will inevitably panic and scramble to find some way to throw the conversation back with another question like "What are you doing this weekend?"  Hopefully the intercourse girl doesn't respond with something involving another guy.  The other person in the conversation then has the same panic, and a volley of questions continues, possibly indefinitely.  This is how ridiculously long email exchanges that started with the simple subject of "Movie this Weekend" take over a whole day.

What is the whole point of this post, then?  If you are reading it, you probably have thought that such email exchanges are shorter than this.  Ironic, I know.  Well, the point is that I have developed some "aces" that will not result in a returned volley and end the conversation.  For example, "Do you think vampires were really worried about AIDS during the height of the epidemic?"  Or, "Do you think priests ever get the munchies at night and snack on the crackers, you know the not yet Jesusfied ones?"  Efficiency is saved, you can thank me later.  Oh, and intercourse girl, what ARE you doing this weekend?  I actually do want a response to that one.

Magical Time of Year

For several years now, I have been on a mission that may destroy our economy.  This mission was generated after too many frustrating Christmases where I spent what little free time I had during the holidays traversing crowded malls and nearly dying in parking lots where open spaces resemble a shark feeding frenzy.  The end results of these journeys was to spend money on presents for adults who either would not really appreciate the gift or already knew it was coming.  Commercialism has beaten into our brains, starting in October now, that this is the right thing to do. 

My response was to stop buying Christmas presents for anyone that did not qualify as a child.  Wife, mother, brother, didn't matter.  Well, it did matter to them, and I wasn't regarded highly by my wife that first year i executed it, but she got over it eventually.  Besides, I had a lot more fun only shopping for toys.  Is there any other time of year where a 30 year old man having a shopping cart full of items for little girls or boys isn't creepy?

My boycott may have to go a bit further after this year's Christmas, though.  My niece, who is five, was apparently angry after opening presents from Santa because, while she had received an iTouch, Wii, and multiple other presents, but she didn't get some piece of crap item that was about $20.  Santa's oversight would apparently would ruin her day. 

What my niece didn't know was that my wife and I had gotten this item for her to open Christmas afternoon when the whole family came together.  Upon opening this one missing gift, my niece stated, "I get everything I want because I am a princess."

Wow, that is one of those hybrid cute/awful statements that only a child can make.  You can't do this stuff as an adult.  Either way, it was a scary thing to witness, because she seemed to truly believe it, so it seems we need to scale back Christmas even more.  Sorry U.S. economy.

Efficiency and the Double Flush

It is quite odd, but many of my ideas or posts come from things I notice in the restroom, which by the way is not a proper name for this location as a lot of work goes on in this so called room for rest.  Don't judge me, just read. 

My most recent observation relates to the gallons of water wasted in this facility.  No, I am not talking about the normal amount of water that goes down with each magical push of a lever, as I am not going green with this post.  Instead, I am talking to those individuals who, out of habit, flush the urinal as they walk up to it.  I am not sure what this accomplishes.  Is it that the waterfall sound helps you get started?  Is it that individuals who do this feel even their waste can't possibly be mixed with waste of others?   Pretty pretentious.  Do women ever do this, or is it a characteristic unique to men. 

Double flushers, save the earth.  Only push the button once.  Stop being like a kid who just discovered a noise making toy.

Is it Election time? Must be, because here comes a rant...

Gather around children and let me tell you about that wonderful time of year when leaders are chosen to guide America through the next years of stalemate, at least when said leaders aren't campaigning for their next seat.  That's right, it is election time! 

These elections decisions are not to be taken lightly, that is why you children can't vote until you are 18 and have had a chance to let cynicism and irrational ties to parties take over your life.  Nor should they be based on superficial categories like merit, values, or stances on issues. 

Instead, we should apparently be basing our decisions on the more important question of who has the least shitty campaign ads.  Ah, the political campaign ads.  Through several weeks, I have yet to see one ad that shows what a candidate stands for or what he or she plans to do.  Maybe that is because "Nothing" doesn't look good in large print on screen with the condescending voice in the commercials. 

However,  I can tell you exactly what the opposing party wants the public to think about certain individuals.  And I have to believe them right?  They use the condescending voice?  Who can question the condescending voice?

Who is stupid enough to believe this crap and base a decision upon it?  Crap, that would be us.  Clearly, marketers have done studies to see what is most effective and this shit wins.  I am embarrassed for all of us.  The aliens who are about to take over our planet are laughing their three asses off.

I am Australia

I always loved playing Risk as a younger kid, and my mom liked that we played it too as it was a board game that would occupy both myself and my brothers for many hours at a time.  Well that is until the real fights started over whether the dice counted as a 6 because it rolled off the table and was locked in a somewhat hybrid position.  If you don't know what I am talking about, you may not really have had a childhood, and for that I apologize.  These fights were defining moments in a child's life.  Either way, eventually the fights subsided, the Risk board was put away to collect dust, and I didn't think about the game for years, until now.

My wife and I just had our first child.  I have been trying to figure out fatherhood, which is not the easy task it may seem to be, and the best thing I can relate being a father to in the newborn phase is in terms of Risk.  Put another way, I am Australia. 

If you haven't ever played Risk, Australia is the smallest continent to control, with only four miniscule areas to hold.  You won't be able to dominate the world from Australia, but this continent is the easiest to keep control of as it only has one access point.  One way in, one way out.  It is the final safe haven, the lockbox if you will, where you can hole yourself up to maintain a presence and fight for relevance.  To keep Australia, you just put one guy on the other three locations, and then just load everyone else you have up on that one entry point to try to keep yourself alive. 

How does this relate to fatherhood?  If you have to ask, you haven't had a child.  When that kid comes along, the kid manages to come with all sorts of stuff.  Rocking equipment for the living room, it's own nursery, it's own concoction of bathtime stuff to rival its mother's, more toys throughout the house, and that is just the tangible items.  Intangibles include the monopolizing of attention, and whatever is left goes to the mother.  As a father, you just have to realize you are an endangered item at this time.  You are at best third place in a two horse race.  It is just survive and advance.  So you lock yourself in, find a cave, load up on your entry point and find a way to survive.  You are Australia.  Don't worry, though, eventually I hear you can move and try to retake some of the rest of the house, but I wouldn't get my hopes up too much.  Oh, and drinking helps.